Captain America Saves the Universe
by caassmaster
Summary: The title says it all


Somewhere in the center of the universe, that darkest void of space, it appeared. What exactly it was is unknown, in appearance it had somewhat the shape of a man, yet covered with writhing green tentacles seeming to come out from all directions. Wings sprouted from what could only be called its back, and its eyes glowed bright red from what semblance of a face it had.

From whence it came was also a mystery - its origins lay in some far off dimension of which no mortal man may ever know. How it had arrived in this plane not even the entity itself knew - it only knew it was glad.

"A new universe, all mine for the taking," it hissed to itself. "No one can defeat me here!" It laughed maniacally as it pondered its coming conquest of this new realm.

Yet somewhere in the deep recesses of its infernal mind a doubt began to form. A fear unlike any fear it had ever known. A name, the name of a being so powerful that even it could not be able to defeat it.

"Captain America," it whispered in awe. And there, in the cold recesses of space, it shivered a silent shiver.

Meanwhile, on the planet Earth, Steve Rogers was in the shower. He stood beneath the forceful spray, alowing the water to pour over his face, his massive chest, his buttocks, washing away the dirt and the grime of another hard day's work. He had barely even begun his cleansing when he heard the phone ring.

It was not just any phone, either. This was his special Avengers phone to be used only in the direst of emergencies. He quickly shut off the shower and stepped out of the stall, water still dripping off his naked form. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist to provide some modest covering and went directly to the beeping phone.

"Steve, I need you." It was Nick Fury on the line.

"I'm yours, Nick. What's up?" responded Steve.

"We've got a problem. Out in space. Some sort of creature, or monster, Hell, I don't know what it is. All I know is the boys here in the lab say you're the only one that can deal with it. Steve, I need to you to get your ass to space right now and take care of this thing while there's still time."

"I'm on it." Steve turned off the phone, already getting ready for action. He quickly toweled himself off, then rushed to the closet where he kept his uniform. This would be his first time in space, but he had no fear. His blood was pumping with the power of the Super Soldier serum - nothing could stop him now.

He pulled on his bright blue pants, followed by his red, white and blue shirt, the white Star of America emblazoned largely on the chest. The red boots came next, followed finally by the mask - the mask had always bothered him, not out of some vain thought that it hid his beautiful face, but rather he always felt that he was hiing behind it. However it was part of being Captain America, and he would do what needed to be done.

Fitted out in his uniform, Captain America picked up his shield and made a hasty exit from his home and out onto the street. It was late, and the streets were not too busy. This was good, as he would need room to perform the maneuver he had planned. He took a moment to prepare himself, then began running down the street at top speed. As he ran he prepared his sphincter muscles and intestines for what would come next.

As he reached top speed, he leapt into the air and let out an explosive fart, propelling him up. He continued the fart, letting it grow ever larger, shooting him up through the sky, through the atmosphere and the stratosphere and the troposphere and finally out into space.

Once in space he saw the vile demon, approaching the Earth. He did not like the look of the thing. His eyes could barely look upon it, it was so horrible. Were he any less of a man than Captain America he would most likely have already gone mad just from the gazing upon the thing.

"Halt!" he shouted. "Under the authority of the United States of America Icommand thee to return to your home. Earth shall not be taken by the likes of you."

The thing from another dimension had to fight from recoiling at the mighty authority he felt in the voice of the Avenger. This was he! The dreaded Captain America! He must be strong if he were to win this battle.

"Foolish mortal. Who art thou to commandest me? I shall do as I please!"

"If that's the way you want to play it, fine!" shouted Captain America. With one quick motion he tossed his shield at the beast, knocking it square in the face, then caught it as it came back to him. "How ya like that, huh?"

"Raaarrrghhhhh!" shouted the demon. "I shall destroy thee!" With its words the beast shot out innumerable tentacles at Captain America, wrapping around his arms and legs and splaying him out in an X pattern, completely helpless. He then retracted the tentacles, bringing the vaunted hero directly before its hideous face.

"How dost thou like me now, mortal?" asked the grotesque creation.

Captain America responded by spitting in his face.

"Thou shalt pay for that!" The beast began pulling at Captain America's limbs, as if he were being drawn and quartered. Captain America grimaced through the pain.

Drawing upon all of his strength, Captain America twisted himself around so that his back was turned upon the monster. He may not have the use of his arms and legs, but these were not the only assets at his disposal. He backed into the beast and grabbed its head between his powerful glutes. The monster screamed but the sound was drowned out within the Avenger's muscular butt cheeks. Once the demon's head was securely in place, Captain America squeezed like he had never squeezed before and pulled upward, ripping the monster's head from its body. He could feel the tentacles go limp on his limbs - the beast was dead. He released the grip from his gluteals and allowed the beast's corpse to float aimlessly in space, away from his planet, away from America.


End file.
